This isn’t finished and happened right before the Covid incident.
I learn alot through this, and this contriubuted to my mental breakdown in may of 2020 (mixed with my family trauma and losing my job with the sprint tmobile merger) It all lead to a breakdown collapsing to the floor
So, I’m a bisexual male.. and people will argue but I’m like 70% gay… My ex girlfriend would say 90% but I think it’s trauma becuase I don’t trust these hoes. They be scandalous.
So anyway. I’m on Grindr and I meet this guy… And what you all need to understand is that I’m submissive in my relationships, I ENJOY pleasing my partner. Yall heard of snacks right? This nigga was a whole fucking meal EVERY time. He would show up at my door at anytime of the day or night, mainly night, and it was on. He wouldn’t speak to me, I mean he’d say wassup and shit but he really didn’t speak- but he was down.
Ofcourse sometimes he didn’t have a car for whatever reason so he’d ask to for me to uber him the mile or so. Then he’d ask me for sometimes just $5 or $10, so it wasn’t alot of money. So I looked at it like loaning a friend a few dollars but ultimately i realized this nigga wasn’t paying me back… and it just became this WHOLE thing where he was missing and lying to me and I believed it because I grew to love this nigga over the course of 1-2 years. He promised the world, every time. But he kept disppearing for longer and longer periods of time. Plus he’d block me, and I feel like if you can knock on my door and put your dick in my mouth whenever you feel like it, then you can answer my call. So I’m notorious for generating a new phone number (ask my family 🙂
I am a polyamorous bisexual male. First thing is I’m not trying to change ANYBODY into ANYTHING they are not. I don’t like being marginalize to one side or the other… I understand that different people fulfill a different type of need. That being said I accept all of who he is. I don’t have to marginalize my sexuality to cater to your fragile ego. And I offer that same courtesy to those I date. If you’re a masculine man that is with me, and you need a female- go get what you need. Just come home, or bring her back if she loves you, But don’t use our open relationship to leave me. Well this nigga got a girlfriend, but was sneaking back…
This is about emotional currency: I was always left at an emotional deficit because this nigga was lying to me, but he was a full meal on the bible belt where I live and I felt I had to put up with it to get fed- but that’s still fucked up. Emotional currency IS currency, it’s just like a bank. If you take my love for you, or what I do for you (love is an action), or my efforts and lie to me to get that. I am left hurt, I am at an emotional deficit. And I’m sure the ladies reading this can feel me on atleast that last part. And that’s some real shit.
So if you take my currency on false pretenses, on a false contract, if you lie to me—- yall aren’t going to trick my minority ass (i.e. submissive in this instance.)into giving up my power by calling me “too sensitive,” or I’m “over reacting,” or I “need to let it go.” No! This nigga STOLE from me everything I did for him for a couple years, then I couldn’t find him, THEN he tried to breakup with me for this woman.
So, obviously I’m an emotional type of nigga- I’d have to be to be in tune to such a high frequency (i.e. my first book the spiritually minded www.TheUniverseWithin.net : A Unicorn’s Manual) Basically I was hurting for pretty much 2 years, I mean I’d get fed, but I was still hurting.
So he goes and get’s this girlfriend, but is sneaking back to me on the low. And I know how judgmental biphobic women can be I allowed it. But ofcourse he missing for longer and longer periods of time…
…So by this point it’s been 3 months.. And I told yall that nigga doesn’t talk. Well apparently he doesn’t listen either because if he had he wouldn’t have known where I worked and wouldn’t have come in on a double date with his girlfriend.
So… I was a server at the time and what I did was went back in the kitchen and waited to be the one to serve their food. if only you all could’ve seen his face as I was standing over that table. He looked at me, looked at her and immediately dropped his head. On a side note, when they first walked in and sat down she did a double take at me and I can’t figure out why because his dl self definitely didn’t tell her.)
The thing is I’m not going to snitch on you nigga because I know how homophobic bitches can be. Bitches think dicks are made EXCLUSIVELY for them. Like, no bitch. Sex is for PLEASURE. More sex is had in this world for pleasure than for reproduction.
On a side note, before you judge what I do, I just want to say: Fuck your judgment and fuck your god because fuck you. I don’t have to live by your standard, and you don’t have the right to degrade me because I don’t live like you. I’m entitled to love, because I give love. Period.
Anyway I didn’t say anything because I’m not trying to out a nigga, if you down with me then we’re solid. Yet, I will be fuckin respected first and foremost.
So remember I loved this nigga and hadn’t seen him 3 months. Now I try to be patient with niggas because I know how it is not to be excepted for who you are. Like the more masculine you are, the harder the stigma is. It’s because gay is associated with being feminine and straight is associated with being masculine, but you can have masculine gay men and feminine straight men- and that’s the problem. Our society tries to fit people into these little boxes and that’s just not the fucking case. So anyway, I understand how difficult it is to be masculine and be judged for being gay so I don’t like outing people- but again I will be respected. And if you’re GREATEST fear is me outing you after 2 years, and you won’t listen to me about how I feel- I will capitalize on that fear to get you to listen to me. But I’m a fair person so I wouldn’t blackmail anyone into doing anything, but I will make you sit down and listen to me. And you’re going to treat me fairly or better. You’re going to reciprocate non-sexually what I’ve given to you which is intimacy and love.
Long story short, I was so hurt that I did end up messaging his girlfriend that night after the restaurant. I didn’t say much because I din’t want to make someone I love’s life more difficult, but again I WILL be respected and you’re not gonna fuck me over and think I won’t fuck back. So when I message her I just say “I was your server.” And like clockwork at 6 a.m. the next morning here he is in my dm’s saying “Why did you text my girlfriend? You had no right to do that!” I was like “I’m sorry I missed you, I was just hurt… blah blah blah.”
So anyway part of the reason I don’t see him much is because he does his school think and his traveling sports. But ultimately he just disappears, and one of the things he promised me was that we’d always have friendship. Like, I love you and want to remain in your life type shit, even if it’s not sexual- but I think that was just me robbing my own self of love. There’s a marginalization that happens when you expect me to reduce the love I have for you into friendship- it’s the “bro” mentality.
The Spell: So I caste a spell (just a complex plan of creativity.) I was so hurt, again I haven’t heard from this nigga in a while, once again it’s been months. Keep in mind I don’ty ever delet shit, so I have recipts upon receipts and there’s a picture of us and a sex tape involved. He agreed to take a picture with me after asking me for money once again, and I’m like we been doing this for (at this point) 6 months to a year and I don’t even have a picture with you. But my reciepts are nothing for the people I love to worry about if they treat me fairly because I’m not evil.
So this “spell,” I decided to consolidate our 2 year relationship at this point, into about 5 texts messages FULL of receipts. This took me a few weeks considering i was employed fulltime. He’s not the only person I’m seeing at this point, but again he’s a whole meal and the most consistent meal I’ve had on the bible belt up to this point. So I caste this spell, meaning I shoot off these texts…
Tell me why this niggas supposed to be out of town and shows up at my door 15 minutes later “just wanting to talk.” And what I said “Nigga, you’re going to give me what you promised me. I’m holding you accountable for all the emotional investment I gave you on false pretenses. I’m here to get my relationship, where the fuck did my relationship go?”
Man. For the next 3 or 4 days it wa s a whirlwind of emotion between us. We’re arguing, yelling, on the verge of fighting. He’s threatening me, he’s telling me his family, his brother, and friends are gonna get me (gay bashing.) I’m like “Nigga, if something happens to me that’s your own funeral becuase my friends know about this and will DEFINITELY expose you then, so sit the fuck down and talk to me. Where’d my relationship go that you promised me all these years???”
He broke my front door off the hinges, but I didn’t call the police because stupidly I absorb the pain of those I love.
He also called me a nigga/er. He’s black and Hispanic, but for the most part claims his Hispanic side. Hispanics are known for being anti-black. So he’s standing in my apartment arguing with and lecturing me, and proceeds to call me “Nigga, or Nigger because I can say that because I’m half black.” Psychological speaking, his Hispanic side used his black side as a pedalstool to call me a nigger. I knew he lacked self acceptance and was conflicted so I didn’t hate him for his ignorance, but once I got the upper hand again, I let dat nigga know that was the WRONG fucking move.
So I’ve missed this nigga so much and want to be intimate and sexual, and he responds with “I’m not gay no more.” And yall, I get experimentation, I even understand a phase, but 2 years is a FIRM fucking decision. Sexuality is NOT a choice, that’s not how it works. Denial is a choice, but sexuality is not. So I know I’m not about to rape or blackmail anybody, and I also know you don’t just misplace your gay. The only fun dick is a hard dick, so come here like you’ve done for the past 2 years and show me you aint gay. It’s walking the line of blackmail, but it’s actually accountability. You’ve been promising me the stars to get your dick sucked, and money, and uber rides and all we’ve EVER been is sexual. So where’d all that go? So he gets scared of his own sexuality, displaces it onto me and runs out my house accusing me of blackmail.
So again, what is perceived as blackmail is actually accountability. You don’t get to gaslight me and vilify me for holding you accountable for the lies you’ve fed me.
Anyway, after he left we continuously talk through texts. And he says apologizes and says he just needed some time to collect his thoughts. I’m like okay “Well let me know when you’re ready to talk about our relationship.”
Whether tangible or abstract, emotional currency is in fact still currency. So if you steal my emotional currency on false pretenses- on a false contract. I’m going to make you give my shit back, or go get it from where you put it. In other words, give me the relationship you’ve promised me or I’m going to go get it from your girlfriend. Basically, you treat me like shit and there’s no way I’m going to keep internalizing emotional deficits. When someone steals from you, you hold them accountable. The problem is 2dimensional or 3 dimensional thinkers don’t believe in the abstract, and that’s why yall niggas ain’t multidimensional thinkers like myself. bitches.
So anyway he willingly had sex with me because he had come to his senses and realized he’s been so fucking selfish to me for the past 2 years, so he calls himself “giving me a moment.” Which is actually STILL to his benefit because I’m the one sucking dick and eating ass. BUT before I even touched him sexually, I asked him “Is this blackmail?” He says “No you’re just holding me accountable [for my empty promises].” Aight bet, let’s do this.
… anyway, I make this nigga my boyfriend finally. He’s lowkey hurt, and I’m like why is it okay for me to swallow your cum (first and ONLY nigga I’ve EVER done that with. ACTUALLY the first time I did that for him I almost threwup all over him) Sucking dick is one thing, ingesting your fluids is a another… I digress…
Okay, so at this point he’s my boyfriend and has left town again, and we’re texting over the next week. So then I receive a text from him asking for my address… that IMMEDIATELY alarms me because how are you going to drive yourself to my home for 2 years, yet suddenly need to know my address??? I immediately responded “Nigga are you trying to set me up???” He replies “No I just want to know what address to put in the gps when I come back…” I don’t believe him so I give his the wrong address…. The next day, sure enough like clockwork there was a knock at my door. It was the sheriff.
Sherrif serves me court paper work and say he motioned for a restraining order to cease all communication, but it was denied. I’m not one to let white supremacy set the standard for me, so the cops didn’t intimidate me. So I ask, “Sooooooo can I cantact him or not? Cuuuuz I definately just got off the phone with that nigga…” Cops say “I wouldn’t.” I say “Well, that’s not what I asked…”
So anyway, I take the papers and walk directly to my phone and text “I got your love note nigga… and basically you’ve fuck yourself, cause if I’ve got to go to court then I’mma burn your ass before I get there. Just in case.”
Long story short, this along side with being laid off from my job and my dad’s/family’s constant ridicule caused me to fall to the floor in April in a complete mental breakdown. We never made it to court because he agreed to cancel it all if I left him alone and promised not to expose him. I lawyered up and my lawyer astounded by his audacity consider he was the one being serviced throughout our relationship. The case worker called me, and I was unbothered because I knew I hadn’t raped anybody. The case worker lowkey was empathetic and advised me to have my story in order. My friends all told me that he’s not worth the trouble and I agreed that all this I shouldn’t want him anymore. We never made it to court because he agreed to cancel it all if I left him alone and promised not to expose him… but there was a contingency- it was my heart… What some less conscious individuals call “grooming,” I call teaching self acceptance, and I loved him so I told him when I finished my first book of bisexual spirituality TheUniverseWithin.net: A Unicorn’s Manual, that I could send it to him. In my heart I still wanted to help him with thoughts of self acceptance, even I we weren’t together.
Here’s what happened after the video stories leave off:
So as I stated earlier- after all this transpired, I went through a deep depression and had a mental breakdown where I collapsed to the floor… It wasn’t soley his fault, it was also contributed to my abusive family life and being laid off with the Sprint/Tmobile merger. I called him crying telling him that he tried to destroy me and now I’m empty of love and have no one because I gave all my love to him. So, the least he can do is call and check on me. He showed remorse and called me daily, didn’t say much but finally we were able to communicate on a genuine and authentic level.
So he came back to visit me the weekend of Nov. 24th. He walked through my door with a massive erection. He comes and sits on my lap, he’s not a bottom and we don’t fuck. I hug him cause I’ve missed him, then I start fellating him. Then more conflict happened.
See, my position is- we’ve been at this for nearly 3 years at this point and you’ve never spent the night with me. He over drinks and ends up throwing up while I’m sucking his dick. He warned me before hand so I had a trash can ready… He throws up, takes his hand and shakes his erection, it’s nonverbal communication for me to start sucking again. I oblige. He comes, and I we fall asleep…
Then the fuck shit starts happening- ofcourse he gets up a few hours later he gets up to use the restroom. I immediately expected him to deep because sleeping with me was out of character. But I patiently waited. I hear him leave the bathroom and he doesn’t come back to bed. I wait a few minutes and get up, of course he’s nowhere to be found. So at this point I’m insulted how you just gonna dip without saying bye? After ALL we been through. So I’m pissed my blood pressure shoots up and I can’t sleep. Plus I don’t have a blunt wrap so I throw on some clothes and drive to the gas station to calm my nerves. It’s like 2 a.m.
I return home and my parking space is gone. Weird. I back out of my street seeking another parking space and I just happen to look up at my apartment door. He’s standing there. I’m still pissed, I park, walk up the stairs past him and into my apartment. I don’t say a word. The silence is deadly, I’m rolling my smoke. I notice that I never heard the door lock and he’s also searching around my apartment. Nigga wtf iz you doin??? Apparently he left his phone. So, what happened was he snuck out the house in such a rush that he left his cellphone! It’s the ONLY reason he came back.
So proceeds to leave, but I’m sure he saw the messages and felt the silent tension. So he checks in with me. . Although I was calm I let him know that I was extremely unhappy. He proceeds to apologize and feed me some lie about not wanting to wake me. I don’t believe him. That’s when the shit started. We start arguing, I get tired of it and tell him to leave. Now he doesn’t want to, I demand he leave again but he’s being defiant. So I pick it my phone to have him removed by LMPD, he knocks the phone out of my hand- deja vu of a fight we had a year ago.
Somehow he throws me up against a wall and has me by the throat… I’m not about to fight him, but I’ve been thru this before with other “not gay” niggas. So I firmly and vocally take control of the situation. I say “Listen, this exact thing has happened to me before… just stop, give me a hug, and leave.” He hesitates. Again, I say “Give me a hug! And leave!” Head lowered he controls his demons, and lets me go, and heads toward the door. Before he left, I said “Hug me again.” He did. I closed the door and immediately went to my phone and texted “after 3 years, it’s still easier for you to fight me than stay with me. I no longer wish to see you.”
But I did. I barely made to the evening before I missed him again. See, love is unconditional and if I’m aware that how he treats me is a reflection of his own inner confliction- then, if ANYONE can love him through that, I can. So he didn’t initially respond. Then I proceeded to text “Look, If I have come above exposing you, then the least you can do is respond.” He apologized and said he just felt like we were always arguing. That’s true, I felt that. I ask him to come over because he was only in town for another day, but he never responded. Then, 20 minutes later there was a knock on my door.
He comes in and we sit on the couch and feeds me some story about how he called all his peers and mentors into a room and outed himself and they told him if he didn’t get rid of me that they would leave him stranded. Knowing him as I do, I find that highly unlikely.
See, I told him long ago out of love that the only reason he thinks I have “power over him” is because he lacks self acceptance and cares about the judgments of others. Ultimately, throughout it all I’ve always maintained that we would leave each other better than we found each other or we were both going to destroy each other. If he wanted to attack me for catering and loving him, then I’m not going down without a fight. Periodt.
So while sitting intimately next to him on the couch, I evaluated what he said. I told him “I do not accept that you’re using people who don’t know me to influence our relationship. Yet, if after 3 years you honestly don’t want to be with me AND I still feel like you’re lying- then it is probably time to let go.” A single tear rolled down my cheek and I proceeded to make a joke about someone cutting onions.
We stood up, before he left I told him “Not that this is why we’re breaking up, but I’m sorry for any conflict I’ve caused in your life. My only intent was to be respected.” He understood, he replied “I’m sorry too.” We embraced a final time.
We said our usual atypical farewells. He knew my heart was broken so his empathy said he’d come back one day, but we both knew this was the end. I told him he didn’t have to come back but I’d appreciate it if he’d call and check one sometime. He said ok.
We good because he showed remorse. His secret is safe with me.
(edit: a year later I see the nigga a block from my house, which means he was still lying when we broke up, and I can’t protect a liar. In some abstract way he’s dumped his gay demons onto me and ran, and I’m strong enough to help him sort thru and carry this burden but I’m not to he left carrying his load alone. So disloyalty begets disloyal, I do not owe the confidence of ppl who shit on and don’t give af about me, and that’s I’ve named him.)
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